Abil Fikri & Fauziah - True Love Till the End

It was a heart-wrenching love story. About how much a husband loved his wife so much that he quit his job to take care of his wife who was bedridden and in a vegetative state after a severe asthma attack. They were only married for two years, on March 13th 2009, before that tragic day – June 22nd 2011.

True Love, no doubt, between a man named Abil Fikri and a woman named Fauziah Muhamad. 

 
*picture taken from Abil's blog

And now, after nearly two years, she passed away at 9:50am on April 2nd, 2013.


*picture taken from Sinar Harian

I cried reading the letters he wrote to Fauziah thru his blog.  This blog was created by Abil for his wife, hoping that one day she would wake up and read what had happened during her coma days.

The day would never come since Allah swt has better plans for her.

May Allah bless her soul, forgive her of her sins, make her grave a garden and grant her the highest level of paradise. Amiinn. 

This is from Sinar Harian :(

"Pergilah Gee. Pergilah! Walau selepas ini abang tidak lagi dapat mendengar suara rengekmu, tidak lagi dapat menyapu air matamu, namun abang reda. 

"Pergilah! Abang yakin, di sana DIA menyediakan tempat lebih baik untukmu. Di sana, akan hilang segala sakit menyerang. Akan lenyap segala derita yang sayang tanggung selama ini." 

Dalam kesayuan, Abil Fikri Ahmad, 44, masih murah dengan senyuman. Namun, tangis di hatinya, hanya dia saja yang tahu. 

Pemergian isteri tercinta, Fauziah Muhamad, 39, kira-kira jam 9.50 pagi semalam, pasti menjerut tangkai hatinya. 

Fauziah atau lebih mesra dipanggil Gee, menderita penyakit saraf sejak hampir dua tahun lalu. Bermula dengan serangan lelah, Gee kemudian menderita lumpuh. 

"Gee tidak menunjukkan sebarang perubahan. Cuma sejak kebelakangan ini, keadaannya tenang berbanding biasa. Tidur malamnya sangat lena. 

"Malam tadi pun (kelmarin), saya meneman Gee hingga jam 2 pagi. Seperti biasa, saya duduk di sisinya. Melihat matanya, bibirnya segenap wajahnya. Saya tidak pernah rasa puas merenung Gee. Dan selepas ini, tidak lagi wajah itu untuk saya tatap..." 

Suara Abil seolah tersekat. Dadanya sebak. 

“Pagi tadi (semalam) selepas solat Subuh, saya curi masa untuk tidur sebelum bangun semula bagi dia minum susu. Ketika sedang bancuh susu di tepi katil, Gee tiba-tiba menarik nafas dengan kuat. Dua kali... 

"Dia pergi dengan tenang. Wajahnya juga sangat tenang dan bersih. Gee memang isteri yang baik," nada suara Abil semakin hiba. Memanglah berat mata kita melihat kesedihan ditanggung Abil. Namun, berat lagi hatinya menanggung kesedihan atas kehilangan isteri tercinta. 

"ALLAH pinjamkan Gee kepada saya hanya sementara ketika dia sihat dan sakit. Sekarang ALLAH ambil dia kembali. Walau sekasih mana pun saya pada Gee, ALLAH lebih menyayangi dia. Saya reda!" 

Menurut Abil, sejak hujung Januari lalu kesihatan isterinya tidak lagi menentu. Berat badannya semakin menyusut. Mulutnya pula tidak lagi dapat ditutup. 

Malah katanya, arwah tidak lagi menunjukkan sebarang tindak balas ketika diusik berbanding biasa. 

"Saya melihat perubahannya. Semakin hari semakin lemah. “Sebelum ini jika saya usik tapak kaki Gee, dia akan bertindak balas. Tapi sejak akhir-akhir ini tiada lagi. 

“Dia pun tidak lagi marah-marah atau merengek. Apa yang saya nampak keadaannya sangat tenang dan dia akan buka mata setiap kali saya berada di dalam bilik,” katanya. 

Selain itu katanya, sebelum ini, menerusi laman blognya, dia juga turut meminta rakan-rakan dan pembaca agar sama-sama mendoakan keadaan kesihatan isterinya yang semakin tidak menentu. 

Namun ajal dan maut di tangan TUHAN. Isteri tersayang yang dijaga penuh perhatian akhirnya pergi buat selama-lamanya. 

“Ketika dia sihat saya pernah tanya adakah dia berpuas hati saya menjadi suaminya dan dia cakap dia bersyukur. “Tapi sekarang saya hanya dapat tanya diri sendiri, adakah saya telah menjaga isteri saya dengan baik ketika dia sakit dan menjalankan tanggungjawab dan ujian daripada ALLAH ini dengan sempurna,” katanya. 

Ketika ditanya tentang perancangannya selepas ini, kata Abil, dia tiada perancangan khusus namun berhasrat menjadi pakar motivasi bagi berkongsi pengalaman tentang alam rumah tangga. 

Sementara itu, rumah Abil tidak putus-putus dikunjungi orang ramai termasuk Raja Datin Seri Salbiah Nujumuddin dan pemimpin setempat. 

Jenazah Allahyarham disembahyangkan di Masjid Jamek Rasah dan selamat dikebumikan di Makam Haji Said, Sikamat kira-kira jam 4 petang. 

Abil mendirikan rumah tangga dengan Fauziah pada 13 Mac 2009, namun selepas dua tahun merasai nikmat alam rumah tangga, isterinya mendapat serangan asma pada 22 Jun 2011 dan sejak itu dia disahkan lumpuh selain saraf otaknya tidak lagi berfungsi. 

Abil yang bekerja sebagai perunding kewangan kemudian mengambil keputusan berhenti kerja kerana nekad mahu menjaga isterinya sepenuh masa sebaik mungkin. 

Penderitaan dan ketabahan Abil menjaga isterinya mendapat perhatian umum yang bersimpati selain kagum dengan sikapnya. "Moga di sana nanti Gee lebih damai. Moga di sana nanti Gee lebih bahagia. Moga di sana ALLAH menempatkannya bersama para syuhada. Dan moga ALLAH mempertemukan Gee dan Abil di syurga abadi."

Of A Maid & An Asthma Attack

My maid Aton who has been taking care of my Haziq and my Husna will be leaving soon. We’ve extended her visa for another month so that Aton could teach the new maid for at least a month before she leaves us for good.

However, the new maid somehow arrived 2 weeks late, which was last Tuesday. She was 25, married with one kid. Nani came from a very poor family – money was the reason why she came to work here. 4D3N on a ship from Tanjung Priok to Tanjung Pinang. 3 hours on a boat from Tanjung Pinang to JB. And another 4-5 hours on a bus from JB to Shah Alam, where we picked her up on Tuesday. She arrived looking tired, but happy to start working.

On Wednesday when we arrived home from work, we saw that she looked kinda weird. I asked Aton and Tina (my other maid who comes from a rich family – my subject in my upcoming post..hehe) what was wrong with her. They said they didn’t know, but Aton said Nani was ok in my Haziq & my Husna’s school that day. In fact the teacher texted me earlier that Nani was eager to learn new things and given time, she’d be a better helper than Aton.

Dear Hubby asked her to sit on the carpet in the living room. She obviously had difficulties in breathing and she was gasping for air. I asked her whether she was ok, she managed to say “asma”. Suddenly her body then came to a curve, it was like she was hunching over. Since I’ve never seen an asthma attack before, I didn’t know that those were danger signs. Dear Hubby quickly said that he’d bring her to the nearby clinic to find out what was wrong with her. Tina helped her to the car, with great effort since by this time, Nani already had trouble walking.

She was lucky to be brought to the clinic juz in the nick of time. “Or it might be fatal”, the doc said. Doc also told Dear Hubby that Nani was a liability to keep since she has acute asthma, gastritis and Tick Typhus (ohmy ..I have no idea what this is). Apparently Nani accidentally left her medications in Tanjung Pinang and by the time she realized, she was already on her way to JB.

As much as I wanted to give her a chance to work with me, I had to think about my Haziq and my Husna. Since my Haziq himself is on Epilim 200, and taking care of both my special ones requires swimming twice a week, air-conditioned rooms with carpets etc etc (and she said she couldn’t sleep in air-conditioned room), I juz have to let her go.

Lucky that she was on JP Visa (usually to apply for a working visa within a month), so she was sent back to the agent in Kluang yesterday. She cried while salam-ing me. Somehow I wonder how in the world did she pass her medical tests prior to coming here?

But whatever it is, I believe it was a blessing in disguise. Allah loves us more. Perhaps there will be unfortunate incidents if she were to work with us. Only Allah knows. And Allah knows best.

Now I’m playing the waiting-for-the-maid game again.
Hopefully this time I'll win :)

 

Hi There :)

Procrastinator has been my friend since my last post a year ago. Too many times I reminded myself not to abandon this page of mine but somehow I didn’t have the passion to write my thoughts here anymore.

Too many things had happened. Too many memories – happy and sad ones - were engraved in our timeline. All too precious to be forgotten and ignored. Although most of the memories were captured in still photos, I juz can’t brush aside this feeling of regret – “If only I had captured them in words as well...”

And that’s the reason why I’m writing today – the regret of not preserving those memories here in my humble blog.

My kids have grown. My special ones – My Haziq and Husna – will be 20 and 19 respectively. They still go to the same special school near our house.

My Hanna got 7A 1B (B for agama..ouch!) for her PMR, Alhamdulillah, she'll still be in the MRSM system. Now she’s anxiously waiting for the news of which MRSM she’ll further her studies - the nearer the better (for her parents lah..hehe)

My Hasya’s in Form 2 this year. She grew so much in height last year that she’s now a few inches shorter than Dear Hubby. In other words, she’s definitely in the TALL department and obviously taller than her own Ibu!

My Haifa’s now in Standard 5. She shed a few kilos and gained a few cms in height last year. She’s basically my height right now…err…or a few mms taller than me. Maybe if I shed 17 kilos then I’d look much taller than her, huh?

My youngest one..my Standard 2 petite Hanis is as princess-like as ever. Loves everything feminine - as always - such as ballet and piano. A very manja girl :)

Dear Hubby doesn’t bring home his office work that much anymore. Thus more time spent with the children...hehe He’s not playing squash anymore (to avoid injuries) but he still goes swimming on Saturday and Sunday to keep fit.

Me? I’m still here. Still a busy mom and wife. I’m still missing my mom. Every single day. But life has to go on. Alhamdulillah, my life is perfect with its imperfections. I don’t do gardening that much, don’t read that much, don’t cook that much.

I'm basically enjoying life as it is :)

And I wonder why time flies so fast!

 

My Mak

Back in 2009, on Mother’s Day, I wrote a posting on how I felt about my Mak.

How much I loved her. How much she meant to me. How grateful I was for all the things, sacrifices and everything she did for me.

How I loved our at-least-5-times-a-week phone conversations and enjoying every minute of them listening to her stories.

How I appreciated her for lending me her shoulders and ears when I was down. How I valued the tips and advices she gave. How much it truly meant for us in helping us coping with having two special children and during our ups and downs.

How happy I was to see the sparkle in Mak’s eyes or the happiness in her voice everytime she was with good news. And just how painful it was for me to see or hear her cry.

I wrote about the unconditional love she gave, and about why she never once raised her voice to me. How I loved her babying her grown-up children and grandchildren. And how I adored her perfections... and imperfections.

I wrote about how great a cook she was. How I loved her air tangan. Of how contagious her smiles and laughters were. Of how gentle the words she spoke. Of how much I loved her that it hurts.

I remember writing how I wanted her to be there forever for me and my family.

I wanted her to be IMMORTAL. And that I know was simply impossible.

That was when I stopped writing the entry. I just couldn’t fathom the thoughts of not having her anymore in our lives. And it felt rather childish, a 43yo wishing her mom to live forever. Get a grip, I told myself. Nothing lasts forever.

Thus I made this post instead.

How I wish I’ve posted the first entry which I’ve deleted. So that she knew how much she meant to me when she read my blog. How much I loved her.

Now my Mak is gone.

She who meant the world to me. Whom I still need. Whom I never dared to imagine could die, had died.

But Allah knows best. Although it was sudden, we were given the chance to say our goodbyes when she was in a coma. We gave her our hugs and kisses. We held her hands. We talked to her. We recited prayers and gave her our do’as. In her deep sleep we knew she’d be in safe hands when she was ready to leave.

My heart was torn to pieces as I struggled to prepare for her loss.
And within that <60 hours, she left us. Peacefully.

Exactly two months ago.
Thursday 24th November 2011 @ 3:57am.
She was 69. Massive Subarachnoid Hemorrhage.

It was excruciatingly painful to lose someone you love.

But I have accepted everything with my utmost redho.

Innalillahi wainna ilahiroji’un – From Allah We Came and Unto Him is Our Return.


.................... 9th August 1942 - 24th November 2011 ...............

May Allah grant my Mak, DATIN RAHMI JURAU, the highest place in the Jannah. Semoga Mak tenang di sana di samping orang-orang yang Beriman. Amiin.

**To those who still have their Maks, or Ayahs – ‘enjoy’ having them in your lives while you can coz when she/he’s gone, they’re REALLY GONE**

Teringin

It’s already six months since my last posting. I wanted to write but somehow things got in the way, like always. It’s not that I was that busy, since my life routine’s still the same. Although my Hasya and Haifa have stopped going for their swimming classes and squash trainings (equals to more free time), I just couldn’t sit in front of this laptop and type. Blame it on the lazy bug, boleh?

Tonight however I feel like writing…hahaha

I’m now at home. Feeling elated at the thought of seeing my family next week. Up north, where my beloved parents and my siblings/families will be gathered. My Ayah and Mak will be there, and I’d already bought the things that my Ayah… in Kedah-meaning - TERINGIN.

He called me up last few weeks, out of the blues:

"Ja, Ayah baru makan benda ni yang Ja kirim tu.."

(Hmmmh, what did I kirim? I remember I didn’t kirim anything for him thru my nephew Zhafri when he went home for holidays in early April)

"Apa Ayah, Ja tak ingat la.. cuba habaq... "

"Ni yang macam kerepek tu.. dalam plastik.. sedaap ... Ayah tak perasan dok ataih meja… bila rasa, sedap sangat".

"Errr ... apa dia Ayah.. "

"Ayah cari kot Aloq Setaq tak dak pun. Sebab paket plastik dia takdak tulih nama syarikat apa. Macamana nak cari kat sini taktau... "

(Suddenly I remembered... The jajans I gave Zhafri when he came to leave his things from UIA before going back for holidays the next day)

"Oh, tu kerepek macam maruku tu Ayah. Ja beli kat kawan kat ofis. Memang sedap pun. Nanti Ja beli kat Ayah".

"Ha.. yang tu la kot.... nanti hang tulong beli no.."

"Ha, nanti Ja bawak pi cuti nanti naa… "

"Satu lagi, yang biskut yang ada badam tu Ayah beli kat sini tak sedap yang macam yang hang beli... yang sana punya rangup.. "

"Oh tu Biscotti Ayah, nanti Ja order & bawak sana na.. " (dalam hati nak tergelak pun ada)

"Okay na Ja. Terimakasihlah. Kirim salam kat Zaki na..."

"Okay Ayah".

I put down the phone & burst out laughing!

Two simple things that my 74yo father wanted or teringin to eat. Knowing ayah, it took some courage for him to call and ask for these simple things. Like my Mak, he too never asked for anything for us to buy.

I'll bring more than what was in the pics. I only hope I have enough space in the cars for that tho..hahaha :)

Temperamental Old Man

While driving to work this morning, I saw a green Mercedes which looked rather familiar. I was trying to recall the significance of it when it suddenly hit me – it looked like that Mydin carpark car!

I didn’t blog about this when the incident happened - sometime in April or May this year. I actually witnessed something in Mydin USJ covered carpark that changed my perception of a naïve old man. I never would have thought that a small, innocent-looking pakcik would be so aggressive and so temperamental that he’d do what did that day.

I had just reverse-parked my car and was readying myself to go out when something caught my eye. A man in an old green Mercedes was trying to park his car. I was across these 2 Kancils which were parked in the row infront of me, and this man was on the other row which was facing (butt-to-butt) with these Kancils. Since I was facing the road, I could see what he was doing.

He struggled to park, that I could see. He reversed his car to get a better angle to go in but couldn’t. Then I think he realized that there was a shopping cart which was at the corner of his parking space. He got off his car, walked to the cart and literally PUSHED the cart away! The cart went astray and finally headed towards my car. I got off my car and somehow managed a “Hoiiii!”. Lucky for me the cart was stopped by that unlucky EZ850 silver-colored Kancil!

The fragile-looking pakcik got out of his car, locked it and walked towards the shops. He didn’t even bother to check the dented-Kancil. Haisshh! At first I stood there unmoved since I was in a state of shock! It was so jahat of him lah! Later when I checked, the Kancil had a pretty deep dent. Kesian this Kancil owner :(

So guys, if you happen to see this green E230 Mercedes driven by a pakcik with plate number BER7XX1, do stay away ya?

20.10.2010

Everyday when I hug him before going to work, I have this feeling that he’s actually saying,
“Bye Ibu, drive carefully” with that slanting smile of his.

And today, I did the same thing... but somehow this morning, I had this momentary glimpse of him turning to me and say,
“Ibu, I want a new handphone for my birthday".

That never happens, but that imaginary moment became like a replay of a two-song-playlist all the way to work.

If only he knew how much we love him.

Happy 17th Birthday my brave boy.
We love you.

pic update: Hanis chose Chocolate Indulgence cake for Haziq :)

“We’d give you the world if we could, baby”.

Haircut, anyone?

Six drafts! I wrote six postings and left them unfinished and unpublished. So many things happened and so many things to write about.. but when I sat down and began to write, some things would get in the way. So terbengkalai lah posting2 itu :P I’ll try to finish them up and post them with the dates I started writing. Let’s see whether I’ll be able to do that (hahaha...I don't think so!)

Well, now that Syawal is over, we’ve no more open houses to attend to. Last Sunday my Haifa mengongot, “Ibu dah lama tak buat Fettuchine Carbonara” and since I had no plan other than to check my plants in the garden, cooking seemed to be a good excuse to be in the kitchen and get my face greasy from the stove. Too lazy to debone the chicken, I drove to Ayamas with my Hasya to buy a few trays of raw chicken fillets. Came back and saw my Hanis’s room locked. Saw this on the door,

so I put some coins in, and knocked. Haifa opened the door and when I stepped inside.... I saw rambut blonde merata-rata!!! Aiyooo!!! What happened???

Rupanya my Haifa (and Hanis - her partner in crime) decided to play salon!

Just look at the cutting 'style'! I doubt they'll be getting any customers...hahahaha....

Alahaaai..kesian the Barbie dolls tu. All short-haired now.
And don't forget, kesian to Haifa's Ibu too. If one Barbie is priced at RM89, how much have I spent on them all! Nasib baik I came in early, or some more Barbies will be Kents!

When asked why she cut Barbies’ hair,
“Nak bagi cantik” came the answer.

Hmmhhh... Haifa, Haifa :)

My 2010 Raya

Today’s September 23rd, meaning that it has been two weeks since we’ve celebrated the first day of Syawal. Talking about Raya, what a wonderful Raya it was! And so tiring as well! It was Kedah’s turn this year and since there were 11 of us to fit into the MPV, we exported two kids and a maid via air to Alor Setar on the Tuesday before Raya. The rest of us had to travel on the PLUS highway a day after.

We managed to buka-puasa with my parents for two days. On the last day of puasa, we went to Stadium Darulaman for its Pasar Ramadhan and I was so happy that I got to buy the famous Nasik Ulam Aishah and the White Palace Cucur Udang! Too bad we didn’t have the time to go to Kuala Kedah for Laksa Telok Kechai... or else it would definitely be a perfect buka-puasa for me!

That night was Bunga Api night. What is Raya without Bunga Api, right? My kids, nephews, nieces, maids, and of course yours truly had so much fun that night. It was worth the money spentlah.

The first day of Raya was spent in Alor Setar and Kodiang. That morning, after Raya prayers and salam sessions, it was family picture time, where all 30+ of us had our family picture taken at a studio. Then off we went to my Mak Ndak's newly renovated house and later to my Adik’s house. By then, all tummies were full but we had to continue our Raya Journey..to meet the Queen, my dad’s mother – TOK!

The destination was Kodiang (pronounced Kokdiang ya.. it’s my Ayah’s kampong and the place I was born).

Bukit Keplu in Kodiang

It was a bit gloomy this year since my cousin just lost her husband, Abang Mat, in a road accident in Ramadhan. Kak Fauziah was in tears that evening when she told me how Abang Mat practically did EVERYTHING for her, and she stressed to me again and again – EVERYTHING! Now that he was gone, she was left clueless. What with her mother, Wa (my aunt), being bedridden after falling on the hospital staircase and broke her leg while visiting Abang Mat in the ICU on that fateful day. Listening to her relating her story of her Abang Mat made me appreciate life even more with my loved ones around.

Al Fatihah to Abg Mat who was such a jovial and helpful person. May he be blessed and placed amongst the Muqarrabin. Amiin.

Every second day of Raya will be Tunjang day. Tunjang, the place where my Mak was born and raised. She’s the youngest of 8 Jurau siblings – 2 deceased, now leaving her with 1 brother and 4 sisters. Tahlil session was held at Mak Chik’s house in the late morning and a small kenduri later in the afternoon. It was a nice reunion/gathering where the four generations of the Jurau clan exchanged their stories, and laughters were heard throughout the evening.

L to R : Mak Njang, Mak Ngah, Mak Ndak, Mak Chik and Mak.

This is my Mak with her siblings. It would be nice if their eldest, my Pak Chaq who lives in Pontian is in this pic.

And oh, later after leaving Tunjang, we went to Mak Njang’s house right before Maghrib prayers. Dalam kelam-kabut tu aku pi jugak rumah hang tau!

The third day of Raya was my parent's Open House day. It was Meehoon Sup Utara this year. Such joy melayan tetamu who came.. didn’t feel tired at all!

The fourth day was Raya @ Siblings’ day. Went to my eldest bro, Bemmie’s house in Alor Setar, then to Sg Petani to my 2nd bro, Benjie’s and later to my only sis, Kak Anim’s house. It was a fun day and.. *burp*.. filling as well ..hehehe.. Dear Hubby wasn’t feeling well that night, and since we were supposed to leave the next day, we decided to postpone the trip home to the 6th Raya, 15th Sept. I called MAS to reschedule Hanna+Hasya+Tini-the-maids’ flight tickets from the 15th Sept to the 16th Sept but couldn’t since we bought the tickets via Grab-a-Deal.

Oh well, we couldn’t leave on the same day with the girls on the 15th for sure since the girls would be arriving in KUL much earlier than us! So we had to stick to the original plan, us leaving on the 14th, and the girls flying on the 15th. Dear Hubby took paracetamol and hit the bed much earlier than us that night. He had to rest since he gotta drive us home the next day.

The fifth day was 14th Sept, my Hanna’s 13th Birthday! Hanna loved the beautiful birthday cake, and the younger kids the KFC!

Nice cake isn’t it? Tasted great too (TQ Zue)

We left Alor Setar at 3pm (I think). Reached home 4-5 hours later.

All in all, it was a great Raya for us all :D

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

Salam Ramadhan al-Mubarak to all my Muslim brothers and sisters.

May we be blessed with great health, strength and patience in this Holy month to perform extra deeds, and may this be our best Ramadhan ever!

Patience, my girls :)

This time my Hasya and my Haifa managed to practically act on how to be truly patient. They learned how it felt to wait for something they really wanted to happen. They also learned how to maintain their cool with their friends whenever the topic they so badly wanted to hear was brought up. They managed the stressful period of 1-week so well. Kudos Hasya and Haifa!

Yes – they so badly wanted to watch Eclipse! But their Ayah and Ibu told them that they could only watch the movie when my Hanna’s back for the weekend break. Of courselah I could bring them to watch the movie when it was out and watch it again later with Hanna, but it wouldn’t be fun for Hanna to watch it with people who’d blurt out what the next scene would be like!

Hahahaha...I’m proud of you girls!

To Raihana

To my beautiful friend, my confidante,
I know it’s hard for you to accept what’s happening in your life right now. The life you thought would be void of cruelty and madness. I know it’s even harder for you to wear that fake smile to show the world that you’re not hurting. I know it hurts, dear. It hurts so bad that even I can feel your pain.

If only we could go back to change things to the way we want them to happen. If only that could be done. Mistakes are made, I know, but it depends on how they happened. How severe those mistakes were. How ugly the actions were that you’d want to puke and cringe just thinking about them.. How dirty the mistakes were that they can’t be erased with anything....

Except TAUBAT.

Only taubat will be the answer. But the person who made those mistakes will have to give his all. But did he? Or will he? After all these years, and after all those so-called mistakes, will he change?

I know you’re a giver, dear. You’re the kind of person who’d give the shirt off her back. You believe that people can change for the better. You’re willing to take the risk. Thus you ignored everything around you. The others who love you. Those who care for you. Those who’re part of you in the whole episodes of your life.

Sigh. There are so many things I want to say to you. But I just don’t want to lose you.

Sigh.

Hanna & MRSM

I was cleaning my drawer last night when I saw 6 movie ticket stubs. We watched the movie last year at Sunway Pyramid and I still remember one incident while queuing up to get that tickets. I was waiting with my Hanna when she recognized this guy in the same queue.
She went “Ibu, itu Sam Bunkface!”
I asked her, “Are you sure?”
“Very sure lah Ibu!” came the answer.
So I went like “You really want to buy his CD, so why don’t I ask him?”
“Jangaaaan Ibu.... malu!”

Hahaha.. I was just bluffing and there Hanna was – trying to make herself invisible for having a daring mom like me! I saw her face reddened. My God, my 11+ yo daughter really thought I was gonna embarrass her!

Since Sam and his pretty girlfriend were like two feet away when the line went the corner, I sakat Hanna some more... I whispered “Let me take his picture with my phone. You definitely wanna post this in FB and Myspace”

“Jangaaaaaan IBUuuuuuu.. pleeeeeezz nooooo”, and she turned away.... Malu for sure.. so I said “Oklah”. But I did snap twice when they were waiting for their popcorns. I know Hanna would like to tayang to her two sisters – Hasya and Haifa later on.

Alahai... Teringat my Hanna... who is now away from me in a boarding school up north since end of March. Sigh. I miss you. Double sigh.

You see, when she took the UPSR exam last year, just to be ‘fair’ I told her that she’d only be applying for MRSM, and not other schools. So I didn’t get online to apply for SBP for her. When the UPSR results were out, I have to fulfill my promise, so with a heavy heart I filled out the MRSM form for her and send it to MARA (hoping that she wouldn’t get in!)

The MRSM results came out in February 2010 and she wasn’t selected. I was happy – Yay! I gotta keep my baby at home! Hanna was ok, since initially she didn’t give much thought about MRSM anyway. She was happy with her friends and the school that she went was just around the corner. Unlike some of my friends who appealed to MARA, we didn’t. I just told her, “It’s all fated that you didn’t get to go to MRSM. Remember Allah knows what’s best for you”.

It was a month later when Dear Hubby called me in the office telling me that somebody from MRSM called him and asked him to check MARA’s website regarding Hanna. I was surprised to see the online offer letter from MRSM and that she had to register at the MRSM in less than two weeks. She was included in the second intake for Form One students to be enrolled in one MRSM up north.

That was a tough decision to make. Should I let her go? How about the classes she’s been taking like swimming, taekwondo, piano, squash and the guitar lesson she’s just started? Would she be ok like me when I was 12+ ... finding my way in MRSM Kulim in 1979? Would she find great friends like I did? Would she learn the many tastes of life like I had?

My friends in FB gave their opinions... so did my parents and my siblings. There were pros and cons... but mostly pros. Most would say that it would be for her future. Her education. So that the path for her to go on will be there once she finishes high school. But I knew then that whatever it was, it would all be up to me to decide since Hanna herself couldn’t decide. The thing was, I’ve always told myself, ever since the kids were just babies.. that I would never let the children leave the house until they’re done with their SPM and further their studies elsewhere. Not in a million years would I send them to boarding schools!

It was a Yes and No decisions in the next 4 days... until one day, while on our way to Kluang to see my MIL, Dear Hubby and I discussed (again!) and he said something like “It’s kinda funny to me when you don’t want Hanna to go to MRSM and yet you were schooled there. You should know how great it was.”

Yes, I had been selfish. I wanted her with me.. just because. So what should I say to her now that she’s got the offer? What about “It’s all fated that you did get to go to MRSM. Remember Allah knows what’s best for you?”

So I decided to let her go. She’s now away from me in her MRSM. It’s tough you know, especially during birthdays when she wasn’t around to share the birthday cakes. Like going to the cinema to catch a good film. Or eating her favorite food and drinking her favorite drink. Or walking passed her favorite store in a mall. All would always come to “Hanna sure will love this”.

It’s been more than 3 months since, and I’m getting used to her not being around the house now. I can’t remember how many trips we’ve made up north to visit her or how many phone calls she made to me. She learns how to take care of her things now - washes her own clothes, gets up in the mornings on her own, tidies her own bed and locker, sweeps the floor, irons her clothes and manages her own time. These are all new to her since at home these are all done by the maid.

Everytime I see her, she looks more mature than my previous visit. But I guess she’s still pretty much smitten with Sam Bunkface..hahahaha...

** We love you Hanna! Take care of yourself, ok?

Haifa's 8th Birthday

It's been a while since my last posting. So many things got in the way... but today I just have to write.

Yes, today's a very important day for my darling Haifa. She's 8 today, April the 29th. No request for rabbits this year...hahaha... she said she wanted a new bike! The one she's been cycling in and around the house was from her 6th birthday. I asked her - what are you gonna do with two bikes? No answer, just a shrug. Hasya quickly said that she'd take Haifa's old bike so that we could buy Haifa a new one... (oh, you're so sweet Hasya!) But it just didn't make sense.. having two girls cycling in (and I mean IN) the house!! It would just be too chaotic lah!

So I tried to convince her... how about a new watch? Since she lost her watch (her birthday present for her 7th birthday) only months after getting it, I thought it would be better to have a new one. Lucky that she agreed.. phew!

I was actually feeling this guilt these past two weeks. Haifa wanted to have a birthday party with clown and balloons at home. Since we were very busy on weekends, with trips up north to see my Hanna at a boarding school and swimming trainings for Hasya and Haifa... I convinced her to have the party done at any McD/KFC restaurants around our area. As easy as one to consume a small bowl of creme brulee, she agreed.

It was when I started calling and visiting these outlets that I realized that I was too late to make a booking for Haifa's party. Thus the sad news. Kesian Haifa.

So it was a simple celebration at home just now. The cake cutting and the picture taking. It felt rather incomplete without Hanna around.. but we just have to get use to it for now.

So here's a birthday wish for my darling Haifa...

Haifa,
Ayah and Ibu will always make do'a for you... for your life to be filled with great health and wealth, undying love and happiness, sweet success, beautiful imaan, and wonderful friends and families. We know that you're full of potentials.. so do what you think you can do best, ok? Remember that we love you so very much!

We love you Haifa.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Cake from Lea Oven.. as usual memang sedap & cantik

An Update on Asrama Donni

Remember Donni John Duin? Donni was 11 when he took his own life in March 2007 so that he could ease the suffering of his mother and replace his mother’s weak heart with his. It was during our 30th Killerbatch reunion at Taman Equestrian Putrajaya on the 7th February 2009 that this idea of Kulim to Kiulu (K2K) for Asrama Donni was tabled out. At that time, I was somehow skeptical.. Eh..boleh ke ni... so many things to do la.. how to get RM250K etc.... but who’d ever thought that it would become a reality!

K2K project initiated by us – the ex-students of MRSM Kulim (1979-1983) aka Killerbatch is actually a fun raising project to build a dormitory for the underprivileged high school students of SMK Tun Fuad Stephens in Kiulu, Tamparuli, Sabah who have to walk miles across the rivers and jungles for hours before they can reach their school. With the dormitory, these students will no longer have to endure those exhausting long walks anymore.

The journey that Killerbatch took to realize not only their dream, but the dream of hundreds of students back in Kiulu Sabah was full of adventures and lively of colors. Along the way, new friendships were made and new paths were taken. Everything was indeed remarkable... and at the end of the road, countless huggings, hand-shakings, phone calls, emails, teh-tarik dos, brain-storming sessions, smiles, laughters, sweat and tears could fill the ocean spread between Kulim to Kiulu.

Such precious experience. Priceless.

How did we get the fund? Apart from the generous donors (companies, families, friends and even strangers), Killerbatch participated in 3 major events through out the 12 months - Tune Talk, I Miss Him So Much and Ghazal Party Queen.

Kulim to Kiulu charity series started off with us participating in the Tune Talk competition which was on from June to August 2009, with K2K as its cause. It wasn’t easy doubling up the votes, but with the help of our family and friends, especially those from Sabah Credit Corporation, we managed to win the first prize of RM50K! Not bad for a beginner :)

The second was I Miss Him So Much art charity where we teamed up with our good friend Galeri Chandan, held at Galeri Chandan from 30th September to 12th October 2009. Around 40 generous local artists participated in the exhibition, and more than RM200K worth of artworks were sold. It was a huge success!

Datuk Mukhriz - officiated IMHSM and attended GPQ, such a great person!

The final part of the charity drive series was Ghazal Party Queen (which I'll elaborate more here) held at Taman Budaya from 5th to 8th February 2010. GPQ was a restaging of an award winning play with 8 Killerbatch and ANGKA (Angkatan Karyawan Aktif Kuala Lumpur) as its cast. It was based on a true story of one Pak Teh Nan, a famous former Ghazal Party Queen in Sungai Bakat. During the day, he worked as a paddy farmer and at night, a graceful belly dancer in Ghazal Party.

Pak Teh was in love with Kamariah and nobody knew of their love affair. He was broken apart when Kamariah was married off to his own bestfriend, Pak Din. Indeed it was a sad night for Pak Teh, when he had to perform his Ghazal dance during their wedding kenduri. To further crush him to pieces, Pak Teh was accused of something he didn’t do. That was the last dance he’d ever done. The hurtful dance.

I loved the play.. especially that Munah character – so entertaining!

GPQ - some of the cast which include Aishah, the big-hearted singer. Munah is the one in the short black kebaya

Hmmhh... the project is now at the end of the road. Looking back at the road we've taken, I would say that Alhamdulillah, Kulim to Kiulu is a success! Despite some criticisms made by certain quarters regarding the project, Killerbatch stood tall to endure the sour remarks and other challenges. With wonderful people-with-visions in the team, giving their best in everything they did, and those not in the team but giving everything their support and encouragement, Asrama Donni is now complete! Yeap, the official opening will be on 17th April 2010. Insyaallah TYT Tun Datuk Seri Panglima Ahmadshah Abdullah and Datuk Mukhriz Mahathir among others will be attending the ceremony... as well as Killerbatch families and friends.

It is such a great honor for me to be an iota part of the project.

We are very much thankful to so many people, especially K2K partners - Sabah Credit Corporation, Galeri Chandan, CIMB Foundation and Tun Ahmadshah Foundation, friends from Ansara, Galeri Chandan, Tune Talk and ANGKA, our teachers from MRSM Kulim, Killerbatch families and friends, and those who supported the project by helping in so many ways - THANK YOU. Let’s hope that more “Asrama Donnis” will be built to help other kids around Tanah Tumpah Darah kita ini...

Missing my Flight

January’s gone... and now it’s already February. That first month of the year passed me by ever so quickly like a blink of an eye! I’ve been trying to write for quite some time but there were many things that got in the way...errr... a lame excuse huh?

January has been an easy month to begin with, with the kids starting schools, especially my Hanna who is now in a secondary school. I didn’t apply the SBP for her, but I did fill out the MRSM forms and sent them to MARA and ANSARA after her UPSR results was out. Hanna didn’t say anything to me regarding MRSM. We both thought the same thing – just wait and see.

When the result was out online on Feb 1st, I was somehow happy. Happy that she didn’t get accepted! How selfish of me was that? Being an ex-MRSM student myself, I know all the good things and all the benefits that MRSMs have to offer.. but... I just couldn’t shake this relief feeling off me. Well, I could sense that she felt the same way too.

Anyway, something happened to me on Saturday that affirmed “There’s Always a First Time for Everything” saying. I missed my flight home to Alor Setar! Dear Hubby and I were supposed to attend a cousin’s wedding in Kodiang, so the plan was to catch the earliest flight out, and the night flight in. I took my shower at 4:50am that morning and left home before 6am to catch the 7:15am flight. It’d usually take us around 30-35mins to reach LCCT but we were rather ignorant of these issues:
1) Parking at LCCT... uuurghhh.. If you’re not chauffeur-driven there, remember that it takes more than 5mins to find the parking space, get your bags out and lock your car.

2) Park to the nearest entrance to “Pelepasan”, and not “Ketibaan”, ok? When you're in a hurry, remember that every minute counts.

3) The check-in counters with flight destinations displayed are not meant for the above-forty people... like me. You either have to be sharp enough to scan which counter to go (when in a hurry), or use the binoculars while pulling your bag... and oh, remember not to trample on other passengers’ legs/bags while doing so.

So yeah, we couldn’t get on that flight. Although the plane was still there on the tarmac waiting for another 20mins before take-off, we were too late since the doors had been closed – according to the non-smiling PR guy who was supposed to be dealing with ‘public’ like us (I guess these people are trained to be void of emotions, or else they won’t last long in that profession).

And yeah, we didn’t take another flight out. I called up my cousin and apologized profusely for not being able to attend her son’s wedding. I also called my Mak, and was overcome by chagrin when Mak told me that she had cooked a sumptuous breakfast for us and was readying some special meal for us for lunch. Alahaaii.. frustnya.... Next time na Mak?

Whatever it is, I try to look at this episode positively. I believe that Dear Hubby and I were not meant to be on that plane that day. Maybe our seats were destined to be given to other poor souls on the waiting list who had more important things to do back in Alor Setar. Or perhaps I was supposed to attend to other matters that day which include :
1) Hanna’s sports day
2) Hanna’s Anugerah cemerlang UPSR
3) Hasya/Haifa school PIBG
4) Ghazal Party Queen play at Taman Budaya... (another charity event by Killerbatch...remember the Donni story? I’ll blog about this later)

So I'm good. Mesti ada hikmah dari setiap kejadian, right?

Hasya's Birthday Celebration

First of all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all Muslims. We didn’t balik kampong, so it was a quiet hari raya at home... cooking and spending quality time with the kids :)

Ok, what was I planning to write earlier? Oh, about last weekend... it was a blast! My children had fun, especially my Hasya who celebrated her 10th birthday on Saturday November 21st. She actually requested to have a mini birthday celebration at home – with her small group of school friends. So we just thought, why not, after all it was her birthday and the school break’s already here. She invited around ten of her girlfriends to come over, with Hanna and Haifa inviting a few of theirs too.

That morning, Dear Hubby took the girls and Haziq the to the community complex where Haziq & Husna’s School Sports event was held. I had to give it a miss since I haven’t finished cooking. The girls later came home and told me that the event was a fun one, and Dear Hubby said he was amazed that there were so many volunteers to help with the special kids. Alhamdulillah.

Hasya’s party started at 2pm. After having their lunch (Fettuchine Carbonara and Baked Tuna Pasta etc) the girls went to Hasya’s room and had their temporary tattoos. The butterflies were a hit among the girls.


Make-up time was next.... they started painting each other’s face with eyeshadows, lipsticks, blushers and compact powders I bought the day before at Elianto. Little did I know that they were not interested in painting pretty faces, only clown faces... Habis patah semua lipsticks! But it was worth it, especially when you could hear their laughters and gigglings. Girls!!

Then it was the event that they have been waiting for – the Water Balloon war! From using balloons, the girls then started using the pails and the water hose! Imagine the laughters and screamings the nearly 20 lil girls made... you'd think that someone has fallen off the garden swing! It was great fun watching them enjoying themselves :)





The girls later had their shower and tried the treadmill. It was pretty chaotic, with around ten girls using the treadmill at a time, LOL! Then it was the cake cutting ceremony. The cake done by Lea Oven was admired by all of the girls.

Cantik kan? Sedap pun sedap!



See Edward and Bella all ready to be consumed :)


Towards Maghrib time, the girls had their cupcake decorating session. They did all the mixing, coloring and decorating by themselves. Very creative girls, they were!

The last of the girls were sent home at 8pm. I was dead tired by then, but watching Hasya’s contented face, I knew she had a great time.

The next day, Hanna’s two friends came over for a sleepover. We brought all the girls out for a celebration dinner (Hasya’s Birthday and Hanna’s UPSR) at Sunway Pyramid TGI and later watched Disney’s A Christmas Carol. Didn’t like it that much, Dear Hubby actually slept halfway thru the movie!

So tonite we’re watching New Moon. The girls can’t wait to see Edward and Jacob. Hopefully their father won’t fall asleep again!

Congratulations Hanna!

I’ve neglected this blog for quite some time now. There were so many happenings that have been written unfinished and left in draft without being published. I just have to publish them one of these days.... will try to get them done....errr... before the end of the year!!

(A simple case of a true procrastinator procrastinates of procrastinating..LOL!)

Ok, to last week’s story – the UPSR result was out on the 19th, and Alhamdulillah my Hanna got 5As! It came as quite a surprise.... and we were very happy for her, that’s for sure. Dear Hubby who was on leave that day fetched both Hanna and Haifa from school, picked me up from my training class, and had a small lunch celebration at the Italliannies. We later watched 2012 at Sunway Pyramid – with Hanna and Haifa still in their school uniforms!

A note for Hanna :
Hanna,
Ibu and Ayah are so proud of you, sayang. Don’t forget to always do your best in all areas you’ve chosen. We’ll be there to support you come what may. And Hanna, remember that there are more mountains to be climbed later on in life... Climb each at your own pace, reach out for its peak, and expect the unexpected – bruises and skinned knees - along the way.

Congratulations Hanna! We love you!

My Sweet Husna is 15 today!

This is my sweet Husna.

She’s in the world of her own, in the place she created when she was over a year old. That’s the place where she can be who she wants to be. Do whatever she wants to do. We tried so many times to bring her out of her comfortable realm but she was persistent. To stay there and see the outside world thru the glass wall she built over 13 years ago.

Just like any other Autistic child, she needs that wall to feel safe.

And just like any other mother of an Autistic child, I tried so many times to break that wall...

...to get her to this side of the world where she can be safe with us.... and try ....oh so many things! Like how it feels to hold an egg that has been left in a jar of vinegar for a week. Or what happens if you glue a Rubic’s cube together. Or how does it feel when you step on a snail in the garden, barefooted. Or fight over the Astro remote control with your siblings. Or race to get the prettiest cupcake on the tray. Or how fun it is to color each other’s nails with henna....

My Husna's trying hard, I know. I know this because I understand what’s going on in that magical mind of hers. And she too understands. She smiles whenever she hears her name. She’ll run and hug me if I called her name. She’d lie in my arms when I asked her to.... and sleep like a baby afterwards. And I'd feel contented, just by having her in my arms and watching her sleep... so innocent and pure. My Ahli Syurga.

Today my sweet baby turns 15, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY Husna sayang!! Remember that our love has no boundaries. Ibu and Ayah will always pray that you’ll someday stay on this side of the wall with us, so that you know that in this world, only the sky is the limit.

Happy Birthday! We all love you sayang!