My Mak

Back in 2009, on Mother’s Day, I wrote a posting on how I felt about my Mak.

How much I loved her. How much she meant to me. How grateful I was for all the things, sacrifices and everything she did for me.

How I loved our at-least-5-times-a-week phone conversations and enjoying every minute of them listening to her stories.

How I appreciated her for lending me her shoulders and ears when I was down. How I valued the tips and advices she gave. How much it truly meant for us in helping us coping with having two special children and during our ups and downs.

How happy I was to see the sparkle in Mak’s eyes or the happiness in her voice everytime she was with good news. And just how painful it was for me to see or hear her cry.

I wrote about the unconditional love she gave, and about why she never once raised her voice to me. How I loved her babying her grown-up children and grandchildren. And how I adored her perfections... and imperfections.

I wrote about how great a cook she was. How I loved her air tangan. Of how contagious her smiles and laughters were. Of how gentle the words she spoke. Of how much I loved her that it hurts.

I remember writing how I wanted her to be there forever for me and my family.

I wanted her to be IMMORTAL. And that I know was simply impossible.

That was when I stopped writing the entry. I just couldn’t fathom the thoughts of not having her anymore in our lives. And it felt rather childish, a 43yo wishing her mom to live forever. Get a grip, I told myself. Nothing lasts forever.

Thus I made this post instead.

How I wish I’ve posted the first entry which I’ve deleted. So that she knew how much she meant to me when she read my blog. How much I loved her.

Now my Mak is gone.

She who meant the world to me. Whom I still need. Whom I never dared to imagine could die, had died.

But Allah knows best. Although it was sudden, we were given the chance to say our goodbyes when she was in a coma. We gave her our hugs and kisses. We held her hands. We talked to her. We recited prayers and gave her our do’as. In her deep sleep we knew she’d be in safe hands when she was ready to leave.

My heart was torn to pieces as I struggled to prepare for her loss.
And within that <60 hours, she left us. Peacefully.

Exactly two months ago.
Thursday 24th November 2011 @ 3:57am.
She was 69. Massive Subarachnoid Hemorrhage.

It was excruciatingly painful to lose someone you love.

But I have accepted everything with my utmost redho.

Innalillahi wainna ilahiroji’un – From Allah We Came and Unto Him is Our Return.


.................... 9th August 1942 - 24th November 2011 ...............

May Allah grant my Mak, DATIN RAHMI JURAU, the highest place in the Jannah. Semoga Mak tenang di sana di samping orang-orang yang Beriman. Amiin.

**To those who still have their Maks, or Ayahs – ‘enjoy’ having them in your lives while you can coz when she/he’s gone, they’re REALLY GONE**

To Raihana

To my beautiful friend, my confidante,
I know it’s hard for you to accept what’s happening in your life right now. The life you thought would be void of cruelty and madness. I know it’s even harder for you to wear that fake smile to show the world that you’re not hurting. I know it hurts, dear. It hurts so bad that even I can feel your pain.

If only we could go back to change things to the way we want them to happen. If only that could be done. Mistakes are made, I know, but it depends on how they happened. How severe those mistakes were. How ugly the actions were that you’d want to puke and cringe just thinking about them.. How dirty the mistakes were that they can’t be erased with anything....

Except TAUBAT.

Only taubat will be the answer. But the person who made those mistakes will have to give his all. But did he? Or will he? After all these years, and after all those so-called mistakes, will he change?

I know you’re a giver, dear. You’re the kind of person who’d give the shirt off her back. You believe that people can change for the better. You’re willing to take the risk. Thus you ignored everything around you. The others who love you. Those who care for you. Those who’re part of you in the whole episodes of your life.

Sigh. There are so many things I want to say to you. But I just don’t want to lose you.

Sigh.

Goodbye MJ

It's a sad day today. MJ's gone.

I first fall in ‘love’ with him when he was with Jackson 5. The song BEN was my favorite, even until now.

I had my first on-stage dance performance in MRSM Kulim - with his song Off The Wall. It was Friday Night Special2, May 1980. I was in Form 2 then.

I was always amazed at how smooth a dancer he was.

And a brilliant singer.

Goodbye MJ.

Black or White, you’ll be missed dearly.

Happy Aidil Adha!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all my Muslim brothers and sisters.

To those who are performing their Haji, I pray that tranquility and serenity are their best friends. And may they have Haji yang Mabrur!

To others who are celebrating Hari Raya Haji elsewhere, max out the time with your loved ones. And while you’re at this, please pray for the victims of the landslides in the Klang Valley who have lost their loved ones and their homes. It’s a very sad time for all of us....

My prayers and AlFatihah to those who had lost their lives to these tragedies. And for their loved ones – may they be strong to face the challenges in these hard times...

My prayers are all with you....